and so, i bid adieu to psych med with a sham of a test to be held tomorrow. (which i will still study for anyway even if it's only 20 minutes long - because i love psych!)

(and that is exactly what i feel like doing to myself right now)

it's simply too bad i lost my head in the clinical test today and yabbered on ditzily in front of my examiners. i knew the answers, damnit! i studied and clerked and i knew what i was doing. but why why why do i always fail at the final hurdle? i have no problems doing calls, my interns say they're always glad to have me around because i'm actually of some help. but why why why do i always freeze up and flunk my way through the test? in a tutorial i'm fine, i can handle most things. but why ONLY in a clinical test do i screw up? and royally at that.

i really have got to learn to keep a handle on my anxiety and keep a cool head. no one wants a doctor who loses her head ever so easily. but it's galling, especially when i see my colleagues, who worked half as hard as i have, sail through the test with ease and flirting with the testers (no i'm not joking!) at the same time. ok maybe it's just being subjective, where i come from, students are renowned for claiming not to work hard but rushing right home after school to start hitting the books. so maybe i'm wrong.

but enough of all this negativity!

i had a real sweet lady for my psych test today. the most hilarious thing was: i met her right outside the door whilst waiting for my friend in front of me to be done with her test. she was happily chowing down her snack and looked pretty happy. and of course, me, being the clueless medical student (i should really change my blog to cluelessmedicalstudent.blogspot.com shouldn't i) happily smiled at her and made small talk. i had no idea she was my case!!! so imagine my surprise when i sat down and she was led into the room. GOODNESS. apparently one of my other friends was so smart he clerked the patient outside the door and used the time in the test to arrange his answers. pfwahhhh i say. be honest boy!!!!

but it's so scary. i couldn't tell what in the world she had, in that short time i had. it could have been anything, i had 4 differentials but didn't know which one i should have said. schizophrenia, bipolar, depression with psychotic features or ptsd. it's freaky, what she says. i only hope it's not true, i felt so sorry for her, if what she says is true and not some sort of a delusion. i mean, attempted rape repeatedly? i shudder to ponder that. i mean seriously, how wrong can that get. women suffer in silence, and only 25% report sexual abuse. it's still a huge taboo.

i don't know what to do or say. i could only stare at her and throw out another question, i don't know what iwas asking. i don't know what i was doing. i kind of blanked out after trying eliminate my differentials and trying to decide whether what she told me was really true. i think i'll make one helluva lousy psychiatrist!