and so, i bid adieu to psych med with a sham of a test to be held tomorrow. (which i will still study for anyway even if it's only 20 minutes long - because i love psych!)

(and that is exactly what i feel like doing to myself right now)

it's simply too bad i lost my head in the clinical test today and yabbered on ditzily in front of my examiners. i knew the answers, damnit! i studied and clerked and i knew what i was doing. but why why why do i always fail at the final hurdle? i have no problems doing calls, my interns say they're always glad to have me around because i'm actually of some help. but why why why do i always freeze up and flunk my way through the test? in a tutorial i'm fine, i can handle most things. but why ONLY in a clinical test do i screw up? and royally at that.

i really have got to learn to keep a handle on my anxiety and keep a cool head. no one wants a doctor who loses her head ever so easily. but it's galling, especially when i see my colleagues, who worked half as hard as i have, sail through the test with ease and flirting with the testers (no i'm not joking!) at the same time. ok maybe it's just being subjective, where i come from, students are renowned for claiming not to work hard but rushing right home after school to start hitting the books. so maybe i'm wrong.

but enough of all this negativity!

i had a real sweet lady for my psych test today. the most hilarious thing was: i met her right outside the door whilst waiting for my friend in front of me to be done with her test. she was happily chowing down her snack and looked pretty happy. and of course, me, being the clueless medical student (i should really change my blog to cluelessmedicalstudent.blogspot.com shouldn't i) happily smiled at her and made small talk. i had no idea she was my case!!! so imagine my surprise when i sat down and she was led into the room. GOODNESS. apparently one of my other friends was so smart he clerked the patient outside the door and used the time in the test to arrange his answers. pfwahhhh i say. be honest boy!!!!

but it's so scary. i couldn't tell what in the world she had, in that short time i had. it could have been anything, i had 4 differentials but didn't know which one i should have said. schizophrenia, bipolar, depression with psychotic features or ptsd. it's freaky, what she says. i only hope it's not true, i felt so sorry for her, if what she says is true and not some sort of a delusion. i mean, attempted rape repeatedly? i shudder to ponder that. i mean seriously, how wrong can that get. women suffer in silence, and only 25% report sexual abuse. it's still a huge taboo.

i don't know what to do or say. i could only stare at her and throw out another question, i don't know what iwas asking. i don't know what i was doing. i kind of blanked out after trying eliminate my differentials and trying to decide whether what she told me was really true. i think i'll make one helluva lousy psychiatrist!

am smack in the middle of psychiatry posting right now, with a test to be sat for come mid-week. psychiatry, has been as i have expected. i adore it!


it's probably the most interesting posting ever, where else would you get to listen to people all day and hear the most fantastic stories ever? and it's such a wonderful lifestyle, psychiatrists never rush from one place to the next. they wake up comparatively later and end early, by 5 pm. and they do get plenty of sleep on call!


it's simply fascinating and i'm enjoying it hugely. some would disagree with me and say that: oh it's such a crap career. we can't do anything for these patients. but to the patients, to have someone to hear them out without judging, is the best thing you can do. they suffer so much, more than others with "acceptable" diseases and illnesses, for it's only what goes on in their heads. there may not even be anything physically wrong with them.


somehow, i couldn't help but think back of dr dork and shiny happy person whilst i was clerking. it's amazing how pervasive the blogosphere is becoming in my life, and how easily i link all these things together, with almost no thought at all given.


i do like psych very very much. but i don't know if i can handle the emotional drain every day from feeling so much for my patients. i'm very emotional and i'm more likely to sit there and cry with the patient rather than telling them to get out and snap out of it.


on another note: another year in cheerleading has come to an end! we've done our best and i'm happy although we didn't win, i'm happy with myself for nailing every stunt i did. it's probably my last year so i'm glad to end it on a happy note for myself. we'll see how things go schedule-wise for next year before i commit to another year of brutal training! but life has been good.

to kim: no i'm a base too! high fivc! :D basing is such fun, i feel strong. hoho

cheerleading nationals!

so exams have ended for now, and i'm back to breathing the sterile air of the wards once more! i feel extremely grateful that exams are over, yet at the same time, i've forgotten what it's like to see patients again. it's a good thing i'm doing pyschiatry now, it's got a lot of patient interaction so i can slowly take my time to reacquaint myself with the bedside.

am excited!!! cheerleading nationals are here again. will be good seeing other teams and how we match up, we have worked hard. that's not saying i'm good, rather, on the contrary. i think i've put in the least effort in my squad, what with juggling medical studies and all. which also means that i'm doing the least stunts and the least glamorous positions.

but to put it in perspective, i'm happy to be still cheerleading! looking at my fellow sufferers in med school, so precious few of them even have hobbies other than going out and going to hospital. this is what's left of my university life and i'm determined to hang onto it for as long as i can. after all, i'm still a student, although a medical student. and if it means performing a juggling routine, i'm game to try it for as long as i can, as long as it means that i'm not short-changing my future patients. it's not easy, but i won't know till i try. and if others can juggle other sports, why not me and cheerleading?

after all, you don't want a doctor who does nothing but study all day would you? it's not good for mental health ;)

but i'm also looking forward to the end of this, so i can start dancing and running again. the break will be good, no more getting home late at night and trying to read up furiously for the next day, squeezing into 30 minutes what others have 3 hours to do. it's tiring and trying, and it takes a lot out of me. but it also makes me stronger, and i'm sure i'll have more mental strength to last through med school and beyond because of this.

although right now i must say, with 2 reports looming over my head and lack of sleep beckoning and with posting exams arriving, it's all really horrible right now. i feel as though i'm walking under water during classes, and my response (or lack of) is equally slow. sleep sure sounds fabulous right now, but it's not something i can quite afford. and i haven't been shopping properly in AGES. geeeee.

right now, coffee (in truckloads please! or iv caffeine!) is my saviour. in the morning, i MUST have one before ward rounds start, or else i won't be able to answer any questions. it's becoming an addiction i have to get rid off. :(

pyschiatry is pretty interesting! but more on that another time. report beckons.

i feel proud of the fact, that despite me being the only medical student on the squad and having the least time for trainings, i am still the only one who can do this jump:


it means i haven't fallen too far from standards! :)

everyone, please wish me luck! thank you very much :)

it's a sad day

dr barb has stopped blogging, and it's a sad day indeed. she was my inspiration, my hope that yes, i could one day make it to surgery, and that women CAN do it all. and still stand tall in their stilettoes whilst doing it all.

good day dr barb. i'll miss you. =(

we've just gotten news that our abstract has made it to the WONCA conference as a poster! am really really glad, although we were aiming for oral presentation, poster is good too. am not lead author, am stuck as last author because group leader is an mcp (male chauvinist pig) but a good leader all the same. can't say i'm too upset though, after all i joined purely for the experience, not for the recognition. and i already made it quite clear that i didn't want to do too much work so it suits me just fine.

but that doesn't excuse him automatically deciding that i'll be the last author just because i'm a girl. that, my darlings, was the reason he gave me. how most irritating. have urge to quit this project. this sort of thing is what exactly rankles me. it's just not fair. i may be the only girl but i'm just as capable as all of them, if not more so! i'm determined to prove myself, and i will.

am slowly going out of my mind with autonomic pharm. i just don't quite get nicotinic and muscarinic receptors and their drugs. it's really quite disgustingly gross. shiver me timbers laddies.

and so it's back to slugging away for myocardial drugs. more updates are in order, i promise! am sorry have been so lazy for so long!

it's 2 am in the morning where i'm at, and having just attempted to slug my way through a pile of comm medicine notes, have blearily made my way down the corridor of my dorm floor to bathe.

i placed my toiletries basket on the sinks and started to brush my teeth, and then noticed - "hey! someone else has the same toiletries basket as me!" before realising that it was my own.

this can't be happening! i don't believe i could do such a thing. i must be going insane! somebody, help.