countdown: 2 weeks

infectious diseases is over, and i have failed the test miserably. i'm a little shocked and dismayed (alright, make that quite, it's been quite some time since i was failing mathematics regularly). but i suppose i deserve it, having not studied as hard as i should have!

anyway. there is this new thing on facebook, a meme called "25 random things" (which reminds me, i haven't done dragonfly's old toy meme yet! oops i'm so sorry!).
and to my ultimate shock and horror, i realised that so very many of my classmates have put down: i don't know what i'm doing in medical school/i think medical school is the wrong choice for me/i shouldn't have chosen medical school etc.

it breaks my heart to read that. i know of so many others who would have given an arm and a leg to get in but couldn't because these people have taken up their places (not undeservingly though).

coupled with the facts that:
1) medicine is no longer thought of as a "noble" profession - litigation rates are up, patients are becoming more and more non-compliant
2) complaints against medical personnel are on the rise
3) burnout rates among doctors are higher
4) slipshod work is also higher

stuff like that gets you down.
i was really depressed for quite a bit to learn that so many people thought that way.

i was one of those people who decided that i wanted to be a doctor when i was young (i really enjoyed bandaging my sister and jabbing her to make her feel "better", all in the name of play, of course!), and i firmly made my choice when i was 14. nothing has changed my mind since then (except for a short period of time when i really felt that i should have done nursing instead, but i'm over that now. more on that some other time).

but such is medicine, such is the job and the demands on you.
i never expected to make such a huge lifestyle change, to have almost no "university life" to speak of, to be totally out of the loop with the rest of my friends in other faculties, to wake up early early early and go home late late late. so many things, so many things.

but it has never changed my desire to be a doctor, as much sadness and ugliness and frustration i have experienced (there has been a good deal more than most people, i am sure! largely due in part to my hearing problem and others). i still hold onto my idealism, and i can only hope it won't fade that much 20, 40 years down the road.

i still want to hold a granny's hand and tell her it'll be alright, we are here to take care of her; to tell a pregnant lady to keep pushing, her beautiful baby is coming out soon; to play with a kiddo and watch his smile (which will make my day); to tell jokes to an elderly gent and see his eye crinkle. people make my life, and my life is medicine. there isn't any other way.