withdrawal symptoms

withdrawal symptoms: depression, anxiety and craving (from wikipedia)

i've been having typical classical withdrawal symptoms, much like alcohol and benzo withdrawal (in a mild form of course!) - the olympics is over! :(

i wailed to my sister: what are we going to do with our lives now????

no more rushing home from hospital, plonking myself in front of the tv and squinting really really really hard at michael phelp's abs (yes, i ogle shamelessly) and the divers too (thomas daley is the cutest thing ever! plus they have super abs.)

no more gymnastics and synchronised swimming, no more of usain bolt's showboating, no more tears and smiles and celebrations and sadness.

i'm sad :( why is it only once in 4 years!!! :(

to end this sad woeful (and highly pathetic) entry, i leave you with :

appreciate, people, appreciate! guys don't come hotter than this :)

and it really doesn't hurt that i can re-learn all my surface markings for anatomy from these photos. i should blow them up and imprint them onto my puny brain ;)

i think i love pyschiatry!

as it has, so often, i'm falling in love with my rotation.

i'm pretty certain that i don't want to be a psychiatrist in the future, but in the meantime i do love my tutors at my current hospital to bits.
we've had so much fun despite it being JCI acredition week (which means we're kept out of wards and clinics in a bid to improve said hospital's chances of being JCI acredited so we won't screw up in front of the auditing big shots), it's meant half days, long lunches and lots of laughter as the doctors feel bad for us and give us long but super interesting tutorials.
i've never laughed so much in my life!

we've acted all types of patients, from the usual depressed/schizophrenic to the adjustment disorders/OCD/ hypochondriacs. i adore the tutors, they manage to make a 3 hour tutorial on alcohol dependence super interesting. i haven't fallen asleep once yet and that's without coffee! (granted, i'm drinking tea now in a bid to cut down my unhealthy amount of caffeine, but still!)

my favourite doctor so far has been the one who's encouraged us to act, who tells us funny anecdotes about his past patients, who's always approachable with a ready smile, who realises that most of us won't become psychiatrists but still tries his darndest to make us fall in love with psychiatry anyway, against all odds :)
he's even counselled my groupmate for free (she's got a chronic adjustment disorder and is currently depressed) and has been sensitive to her moods, asking whether she's alright enough to participate in the acting sessions.
when we finished our tutorial, i turned to another groupmate and said: i sure as hell hope he's married, cos if he isn't married, i'm sure he's gay! (my point being all the good men in the world are married or gay. hehe i'm just joking)

psych has really been so much fun! i've never looked forward to going to hospital so much in my life, and never with such a smile. :)

only thing is, we haven't once been in the wards or clinics, i'm not very sure if i'll like it then - this hospital is famous for nurses hating medical students. urlp.

but so far, it's been a blast! :)

and Shrink, i do imagine that you're like my favourite tutor! :)

so my postcards have reached some of you? :)
that's lovely! :)

right now i'm finishing up my 2 week rotation in paediatrics at the same place where i'd just finished my internship, it's nice bumping into the doctors as i walk around! :)

paediatrics, though, is a completely different story.
i'm totally not cut out for this.

our first tutorial was on a small boy with down syndrome. as expected, he'd the usual cardiac defects and we were expected to pick that out.
me, all i could think of was "this is such a small boy, and that's such a big scar"
i know i tend to let my emotions get the better of me, but really, this has got to stop. i'm terrified of kids because i'm scared i'll make them cry. i'm scared of making them sadder, of putting them through more inconvenience, of making them more uncomfortable.
it's really saddening to see a small kid burst into tears when the 100th medical student of the day has percussed his chest and he's just to tired and sad.
it breaks my heart, honestly.

on the other end of the spectrum, i feel like slapping bratty kids who run in and out of clinics shouting and throwing temper tantrums. i have little patience and i think lowly of kids with bad behaviour (they're usually just plain spoilt by their parents, not ADHD or autism, usually), which makes me supremely pissed off.

so i spend time swinging wildly between being pissed off and being sad.
clearly, paediatrics is really really NOT for me.

pyschiatry's up next!

internship, 4

so it's over!
and it feels like it's barely begun. i've loved my student internship to bits, although somedays i remember feeling like i need to cry from the sheer amount of work.

but i've loved it all. from talking to patients, to rounds, to morning team breakfasts, to talking with the nurses, accompanying patients down for scans, doing calls and being sleep deprived etc. i feel like i'm more prepared for internship in 9 months time although i'm sure i still have lots to learn.

maybe i'll even do medicine in the future, it's not too bad although i'm still far too impatient for my own good, and i hate that i can't DO anything to make them better. i hate waiting for them to get well, i hate sitting by helplessly. my tutors have said i'm surgeon material through and through, but i don't really know. but this posting has shown me that medicine does help, just in different ways :)

it was my last day yesterday, and by right, i should have been out of the hospital by noon since i was post-call. but being an appreciative, sentimental lot, our team residents brought the 3 of us out to a 2 hour long lunch where we had such fun! i love my neuro team :) after that, it was a whirlwind of running around the hospital looking for doctors to give chocolate to and answering pages from the nurses about my overflow patients before i finally was free at 430 pm.

so i decided to go have a look at one of patients i admitted on call the night before, a grouchy nursing home resident with cellulitis. he was still grumbling about wanting to eat a certain type of food, so i hoofed it down to the canteen to see if i could help. he was so absolutely delighted when i carted up the food for him! that made staying back so late post-call absolutely worth it. sometimes, going out of your way for a patient isn't for them, it's for you.

i have to admit my resolve for making him happy was strengthened by a code blue that i saw whilst waiting for the lift. as my friends and seniors came running with the crash cart, i saw the relatives crumple up outside the ward and start crying. it wasn't just any cry, it was a bone-chilling wail of total and absolute sadness. i wanted to reach over and tell them something, but i didn't know what. i didn't have anything at all that would ease their pain slightly, and words of comfort seemed so trite.

i saw one of my seniors (usually the jovial, flirty type), kneel down next to the relative and say something. which turned the cries even louder. thankfully, the lift came and i escaped, biting back my own tears.

this scene cuts only too close to my heart, when my gram died some years ago. it's hard to be on the other side of the fence. i feel nothing much for the dead person, but once the relatives start crying, i find it hard to keep from crying as well. i've been there, and there's nothing much that can be said or done. sorrow is for you to deal with alone.

that said, after being sad all of yesterday, 14 hours of sleep made me feel better and i'm now resolving to be nicer to my patients while i can. after all, it's no point being nice to them when they're dead. (forgive my bluntness)

so bring on paediatrics! 8 more months to the start of finals!